(due to the photos in this blog post, reader discretion is advised)
Are we in a horrible nightmare? There seems to be a wide spread zombie outbreak in effect and we’re getting the classic keep the sheep entertained responses “please remain calm; there’s nothing to worry about”. While scouring the internet for the “ever exciting” industrial news articles I read, an interesting article left me with the sense that something weird might be afoot. Numerous internet publications have reported that there’s a rash of cannibalism that has spread as far as to our mates in Canada.
Speaking of washes, did you hear about the one that has been showing up in all places Hollywood (Florida)? I’m always saying to my wife, “babe this is some end of the world shit”. With the rash of natural disasters (as I type this blog post The Weather Channel is reporting on over 15 tornados that have touched down in less than 5 hours and 3 major storm cells across the country), crazy solar occurrences and now this, I’m pretty much weirded out by the fact that I might be right!
According to Mother Nature News’s (mnn.com) latest article “CDC denies rumors of zombie apocalypse” On Sunday, a New Jersey man sliced his belly open and began throwing pieces of his intestines at police. On Monday, a Miami man was shot to death by cops while eating the face of a homeless man. Then, on Tuesday, a Maryland man admitted to dismembering his roommate and eating his heart and brain.
And that’s not all, police in Canada are searching for a porn actor who allegedly killed a man, dismembered him and ate his flesh.
It feels like an old cliché when you see quotes like these, from David Daigle, Center for Disease Control, Spokesman in an email to the Huffington Post “The CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” Yea guy I hear you, stock up on 3 years’ worth of food and old Betsy’s getting new friends!
In the spirit of survival we’ve composed a few tips, SS-TM-YJ Blog style:
- Zombies are not your friend: Everyone goes, even whiskers! I know you have fond memories of the catnip incident, but if pussy starts wilding, it’s time to part ways and cry about it later.
- Drop the hamburger: chances are there’ll be a lot of running involved and your fat ass need to lose some weight, me too! Starting Monday, it’s fruit smoothies and rice cakes, instead of ice cream sundaes.
- Buy lots of ammo: Stockpile ammunition! They’re no use without ammo so load up and bunker down, beside if you wanted a baseball bat you’d buy a Louisville Slugger
- Guns are cool but Machetes never run out of bullets: Do you really need and explanation here?
- Food’s Always Currency: Whether zombie apocalypse or nuclear holocaust food is always currency, don’t you watch sci-fi movies? A man will do a little something strange for some change and some bread too…literally.
Hope I see you next year, and to all the other sheep, “mmmare”