All too often we have seen Movies where the terrified hottie is running through the woods to evade the crazed maniac, just to take an untimely spill right on cue for the raving psycho to hack her cute little frame into itsy bitsy pieces. Well never fear that’s why we are here, we are here to “Pump You Up” – Arnold Voice. Well not really, more like cardio and a bit of what I’d like to call “Basic Horror Movie Training”
What most of you don’t know, there is a conspiracy brewing against Horror Movie vixens. Who’s to blame? From the dawn of the genre hapless blondes running through the woods always gets it in the end, and this can be attributed to twigs. No just any twigs the kind that just happens to be strolling across the screen at the same time she looks back to gauge distance. You know it’s going to happen at some point 2, 3, even 4 times during the same movie. These drills should help you with your Foot/Ass (the cousin of hand/eye) coordination, so when it’s asses and elbows time you won’t end up in some Maniac’s Stacker (all meat sandwiches).
Our horror movie basic training is the ideal way to a rock hard Baddie Busting Body
Tire Drills: A classic football drill that hones players’ speed and agility. This should help with those pesky twigs; we all know how tricky those guys can be especially when taking the family for a walk, all of a sudden a twig pops out of nowhere. Now you can just high step your way through the twig family effortlessly while making the highlight reel.
The Hill Climb: The hill climb is one of my favorite workouts, great for endurance and stamina. We amplify this workout with or patented knapsack -o- Rocks. Once removed this give the words “fleet of foot” new meaning.
Hurdles: Imaging this scenario, you are being chased by hordes of the recently deceased you make a wrong turn; there are halves of corpses everywhere dragging themselves slowly towards you muttering something soft like “braiiiiin!, what do you do? Yes we can help you there also. We’ve added a twist to the original hurdle concept, or obstacle course is equipped with land minds and sharpened bamboo spikes smothered with horse manure for that all so authentic feel and smell.
Balance Training: Did this in martial arts, pretty cool once you get the hang of it. We applied the same concept of the sobriety test and allow you to have fun a bit of fun. Let’s try tight roping from one Skyscraper to another after a few shots of tequila. So the next time the only thing that separates you from the other side of the lake is a fallen tree bridge, you can navigate the b*tch while doing your makeup and brushing your hair.
The Stair Climb: Perfect for the buns and thighs, also great for endurance and stamina. Now you can pull an all-nighter with Paris and Nicky and still have the endurance to navigate, bear traps, half breeds and WTF is that!
The Door Kick: We realized the need after watching reruns of Police Academy that is a much need part of or training (remember Cadet Sweetchuck). This should be practiced repeated by all aspiring horror movie vixen. What’s a better way to buy your some time than a face full of Masonite? No more locked doors!
Warning: Not an Actual Workout Regimen.